Jaycee Lee Dugard diary reveals conflicting emotions felt toward alleged kidnapper, Phillip Garrido

During the 18 years in which Phillip Garrido allegedly made Dugard his sex slave, she chronicled an emotional roller coaster on which she oscillated from longing for freedom -- and protective of her captor.

"It feels like I'm sinking. ... this is supposed to be my life to do with what I like ... but once again he has taken it away,” Dugard wrote in an entry dated July 5, 2004.

"How many times is he allowed to take it away from me?" she wrote. "I am afraid he doesn't see how the things he says makes me a prisoner."

In another entry, dated several years after Dugard was abducted, she wrote "I got (a cat) for my birthday from Phil and Nancy ... they did something for me that no one else would do for me, they paid 200 dollars just so I could have my own kitten."

A decade later, Dugard wrote of her desire to be free -- and her fear of wounding Garrido.

"I don't want to hurt him ... sometimes I think my very presence hurts him," she wrote. "So how can I ever tell him how I want to be free. Free to come and go as I please ... Free to say I have a family. I will never cause him pain if it's in my power to prevent it. FREE."

The diary passages came to light in court documents filed Thursday as prosecutors sought an order barring Garrido from contacting Dugard or her children.